


Lewis Black on Back in Black

by firefly124



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Daily Show
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-31
Updated: 2011-05-31
Packaged: 2017-10-19 23:06:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/206204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firefly124/pseuds/firefly124
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was not one of the strategies used by the <a href="http://www.thepetulantpoetess.com/viewstory.php?sid=5392">Back in Black</a> resistance movement, but wouldn't it be funny if it had been?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lewis Black on Back in Black

**Author's Note:**

> This will make infinitely more sense if you've read [ubiquirk](http://ubiquirk.livejournal.com)'s [Back in Black](http://www.thepetulantpoetess.com/viewstory.php?sid=5392) and have some familiarity with the ranty stylings of Lewis Black. Something [vanityfair00](http://vanityfair00.livejournal.com) said in a review of [ubiquirk](http://ubiquirk.livejournal.com)'s story spawned this crack!bunny. If you like it, both of them deserve credit for the inspiration. If you hate it, don't blame them for where I went with it. Also, thanks to [jalilifer](http://jalilifer.livejournal.com) for beta-reading. Any remaining errors are all mine.

The TV screen flickers on, and a man wearing a charcoal gray suit sits behind a black desk positioned in front of a rich blue backdrop. The text floating just below the edge of the desk identifies him as “Jon Stewart” and the program as something called “The Daily Show.”

“When a news segment falls through the cracks,” says Stewart, “Lewis Black catches it with a segment we call ‘Back in Black.’”

Guitar chords from the song of the same title sound. Cheap graphics flash across the screen for a moment. The camera cuts to a middle-aged and somewhat disheveled man, similarly identified by floating text as Lewis Black, who has a pile of paperback books beside him.

“It seems the Brits have taken this ‘stiff upper lip’ thing to a whole new level of insanity,” he says.

An inset picture appears, showing a young woman in a very frilly pink dress smiling brightly, if a tad forcedly.

“They don’t really expect the rest of the world to notice, because the segment of the British population involved thinks we don’t know they exist. How they think this, when there are books about them, selling millions of copies, I don’t know.” He holds up two of the books beside him: _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_ and _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.

“Maybe they’ve got some people fooled, dressing them up like children’s books and then making them into movies that leave out half the good stuff,” he says, hurling _Chamber of Secrets_ at a cameraman who apparently ducks, causing the screen to tilt out of alignment before quickly being righted, “but do they think we don’t notice? Do they think we can’t do the math? They’ve been taking so long between these movies, those kids ought to be in _college_ by now, and they don’t. Look. Any. Older. Than. They. Should. For. Their. Characters.” He points his finger vigorously at the camera, emphasizing each word with a sharp thrust. “And _don’t_ tell me about the supposed magic of showbiz makeup. If it was _that_ good, I’d look like I did when I was _twenty_ , or possibly like David Boreanaz.”

He slams _Order of the Phoenix_ onto the desk.

“I know a cover-up when I see one, and this, my friends, is a beauty. It’s all real: magic, the ‘Boy Who Lived,’ dragons, Dementors, the whole nine yards. But we so-called Muggles can’t see any of it, or if we do, they’ll erase it from our memories. Hey, I have a few things I’d actually _like_ erased from my memory, like that time I walked in on Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell back in the day.” He grimaces and shakes his head rapidly. “So if somebody happens to do some magic in front of me so that stuff has to get erased, just, please, make sure _that_ goes with it.”

“The books haven’t caught up yet, but apparently they’ve defeated their ‘Dark Lord.’ ‘He Who Must Not Be Named.’ ‘Dude with an unnatural thing for snakes.’ Yippee!” He throws his hands up in the air and waves them wildly, a manic grin on his face. “At least someone’s winning the good fight, right?”

The smiling witch is replaced in the inset picture with dozens of people wearing identical smiles.

“Wrong!”

The inset picture grows to fill the entire screen, and the smiling people, who are all wearing cheerful colors with a predominant theme of pink, are milling about shaking one another’s hands.

“Their new regime has apparently decided that to make up for years of terror, torture, and making a bunch of _kids_ fight their battles, everything must be … cheerful.” He says this last word as though it is the filthiest term he has ever heard.

“Smiles must be maintained to a precise standard at all times.” The scene switches to a Watch Witch demonstrating the use of a Smile Stencil. “You think I’m kidding? They make _laws_ about this stuff. Or, well, decrees. Decrees 114, 157, 261, 299, and 309, to be exact.”

The picture shrinks back down to a small inset next to Black's head.

“How do we know this? Where did we get this footage? Let’s just say we’ve managed to get a bit of inside information from an unnamed source.”

He looks down casually at the place where he knows the title of his segment is displayed on the screen, then looks quickly back up to the inset picture. It now shows a toad-like woman in frilly pale pink addressing a large assembly over which two clearly nude but headless bodies float with abnormally large blobs labeled “censored.”

“Not everyone is happy with being forced to be, well, happy,” Black sneers. “As we can see by this _very_ interesting bit of civil disobedience.” His face repeatedly crumples in an obvious struggle to keep from laughing. A snicker from off-camera can be heard. A guffaw escapes Black, and the camera cuts to Jon, who has his face buried in his papers, obviously in hysterics. The camera cuts back to Black, who finally regains control and a more stern expression.

“Nobody wants to be happy all the time. And nobody _especially_ wants to be told _how_ to be happy. This ridiculous attempt at government actually makes ours look like the model of restraint. At least around here, nobody tries to tell you what colors you’re allowed to wear.”

The inset square now shows the toad-like woman in a different shade of pink with even more lace and frills.

“The head of this regime, Dolores Umbridge, is primarily focusing on their little corner of the world but may have some influence in Hollywood. How else can you explain that the movie based on _this_ book,” he picks up _Order of the Phoenix_ again, “has apparently been changed to show a _different_ teacher at Hogwarts abusing his students?” The inset picture changes to show a sour-faced professor hitting a red-haired student over the head with a book. “I know spin when I see it, and that, my friends, is Spin City.” A still shot of a brunet actor and stunning blonde actress replaces the trailer clip.

Black swings his head around in an overly dramatic arc until he is looking back to Jon Stewart at the anchor desk. Stewart looks like he might burst back into laughter at the slightest provocation.

“Jon,” Black says.

Jon reaches out and shakes Black’s hand, saying, “Thank you very much, Lewis.” He then turns to face the camera and says more loudly, with a hint of laughter still in his voice, “Lewis Black, ladies and gentlemen! We’ll be right back.”

The television set and video wink off with a flick of Snape’s wand.

“But that’s … that’s a violation of the International Statute of Secrecy,” Hermione gasps. “That’s not just defying Umbridge’s laws, that’s defying all wizarding societies!”

“Miss Granger,” Snape drawls, “the man is an obvious lunatic – a congenital defect that clearly extends to the Muggle branches of the Black family – on a fake news show, who just claimed that the events contained in a series of children’s books and movies are real. Who do you think will take him seriously?”

“But that footage,” she persists, “that was real! And if no one is going to take him seriously, then what was the point?”

“I never said no one would take him seriously,” Snape smirks. “I merely implied that no one we need to worry about will do so.”

Hermione continues to gape at him in shock as the twins beam proudly and launch into what is obviously a much-repeated comparison of the size of their “censored” blobs.


End file.
